Laughter's medicinal properties

Today I was having an okay day, but a kind of blah day. Just not quite so on top of things as I would like. It was far too easy to rationalize not working out after work since I had to prepare a dish for our ward FHE Thanksgiving dinner. In fact, I was feeling blah enough for a little while that I wondered if I even wanted to go to the dinner at all. I knew I should and I knew I would have fun, but it seemed like too much effort.

Then Mel came home and we started cracking lame jokes and laughing at our silly senses of humor. This had the amazing effect of revitalizing me to the point where I was eager to go to the activity. I went with some friends and met up with other friends while I was there and laughed heartily at stories that my friends told me about Seth, the ward prankster, and laughed with my friend Chad, even though we were talking about the two staff infections he's had this fall, and laughed with Daniel when he was investigating the dessert table and wanted to know if a certain dish was a torte, even though he's a lawyer and should know these things himself, and laughed with Meagan when I was talking about the sensory experience she was having eating her bread pudding but the word that came out of my mouth wasn't "sensory," but "sensual," and laughed even more when Meagan told me how she was waiting for Daniel in his apartment last week and jumped out to scare him when she heard someone coming, but it turned out that it was my roommate Amy and not Daniel, and Amy was so weirded out that she just turned and walked into our apartment without saying anything to Meagan at all. And now I don't feel blah any more. The blahness has been purged right out of my system by the laughter. It's like a pollutant has been removed. Today, I am grateful for laughter shared with good friends.

The future beckons

I'm backtracking today. Yesterday's thanks item got supplanted at the last minute, but today I'm still grateful for amazing books- but more than that, I'm grateful that for whatever reason, Heavenly Father let me come to earth into my set of circumstances. Not only do I know how to read, I have a multiplicitude of books at my very fingertips- on my bookshelf, at the library, on the internet. Even in today's world, that combination is much rarer than it should be.
I took a good chunk of time to get through school (although I guess I did get two degrees one on top of the other, so it's better than it sounds), and I miss school a lot. I miss the feeling of actively engaging my mind, and, to prove what a nerd I am, I miss the rush I would get from really effective study sessions with the pressure of a test coming up. I miss the feeling of satisfaction I got from having mastered a concept and gloating over it like a prized possession.
However, I am so happy that the tools for learning are still readily available at my fingertips, and although I can definitely tell a difference in the dedication and quality involved when I'm not actively enrolled in classes, part of what I look forward to doing my whole life is expanding my mind. I'm so thankful that I get to!

Warmth of Spirit on a Cold Night

Earlier today, I was thinking that the Daily Gratitude Award would be going to the excellent books I've been reading lately, but I just got back from a great evening at the house I'll be moving into in a month and a half, and now, I'm just grateful that I have good friends in Salt Lake who seem to want me to move in with them as much as I do, and I'm looking forward to all the good times that are ahead. There's something about an environment that's filled with love and happiness that fills my soul like a parched sponge, which is probably the case for most people. And it's been a little while since I've lived in a situation like that. I like being an independent adult, but I don't like being so independent that my life is separated out from the people I live with, which has been the case for almost a year. It's a rather lonesome feeling. I'm ridiculously excited to be living with girls who pray together and sometimes eat dinner together and are a united group.

So, the future beckons brightly. The warmth of friendship is still making me happy- I'm so grateful that Meagan is getting married so I can move in with her roommates!

Contemplation Incurs Gratitude (and vice versa)

Seeing as how Thanksgiving is in less than two weeks, it's hard to go a day without hearing some kind of reference to, well, giving thanks. I often try to make a daily entry in either my regular journal or my thought journal about something that happened that day that I'm grateful for, or just something I'm grateful for, period (as an aside, this was actually one of my strongest tools when battling depression earlier this year. It's amazing to look back and read how many good things still happened and how many people were helping me out, even unintentionally). I love the perk I get by thinking about things that make me happy. In fact, I've often placed myself if a slightly awkward situation by thinking about funny things that make me grin, and then the next thing I know, I've started chuckling about a joke that only I'm in on.

But, all that aside, I've been trying really hard to steer away from patented things to be grateful for, like "family and friends," "the miracle of modern medicine," "education," "a good job," etc. The reason for this is not that I'm not grateful for these things, but rather that I don't want my gratitude to become rote. So, instead of looking at the huge, overarching blessings that cover so much, the joy becomes so much greater when thinking about the small, individual parts of these big wholes, which is what I've been striving to focus on.

Today's gratuity, because I like to misuse that word, is all the amazing different kinds of food I have access to. Since I studied plant biology in college, I got a taste of agronomy and was surprised to learn that the world lives substantially off of about eight different crops, including rice, wheat, corn, soy, potato, cassava, barley, and a couple others that aren't coming to me at the moment. It's understandable why these plants provide so much of the basic nutrition, they're generally inexpensive to grow and produce large quantities, and they're good carbohydrate bases to the diet. However, thanks both to globalization and some amazing horticultural practices, we have at our fingertips so many other kinds of food. I confess, I do get stuck in a rut more often than I'd like and my meals go through bouts of consisting of frozen burritos and nachos, but I do get unduly excited when I purchase something new at the store or make a foray to the Asian market. This week I enjoyed tabouli, quinoa, couscous, an awesome dish of sauteed vegetables with fried eggs mixed in, tangerines, spinach salad, mashed potatoes, and pomegranite seeds. I'm feeling pretty good this week. One of the things that I love about trying new foods is that it can be done from the comfort of my own home. Anyone have any awesome suggestions for new things I can try, since that's the gratitude topic of the day?

2n = 4X = 36

I know it’s a good day when I find fresh evidence that I am a nerd. A very special kind of nerd, although all nerds are special.

Today as I sat at my desk counting the bands on chromosomes, I found my mind wandering somewhat as I pondered on the fact that different organisms have different numbers of chromosome, yet it is generally a pretty significant and devastating thing to either gain or lose a chromosome. So how did this evolution of chromosome number differences occur?

I tell you what, I’m going to have a front-row seat in the theater when they play the premiere of “The History of Biology” on the big-screen in heaven.

Commemoration

Why is it that on the nights I really want to go to bed early I end up staying late?

But since I'm still up, I'll wish myself a happy anniversary.

Two years ago, I received my endowment in the temple.

One year ago I was in the Masai Mara in Kenya.

Today? Today I started the morning with some service, and went to work. Both of these are part of my lifelong quests to be worthy of the temple covenants I've made and to be able to go on more adventures. Life is a pretty big adventure.

Forward in Faith- Even When You're Laying Facedown on the Strait and Narrow and Think You'll Never Get Up Again

This is going to be challenging to write, and I've pondered over writing it for a while now. I've pondered whether or not it even ought to be written, but I feel that it does need to be written.

Last Sunday, I listened to President Uchtdorf's excellent CES fireside. One part in particular caught my attention. He read a question from a young member of the church explaining that this person often felt depressed and thought about ending their life. President Uchtdorf touched briefly on the fact that these are serious issues that ought to be taken care of with the help of trusted church and professional helpers. I want to spend a little longer on the topic of depression, which I'm becoming more and more aware of as a serious concern, especially for members of the church, because it isn't very well understood.

I'm becoming more aware of this because I've been there.

I'm not sure who out there needs to read this or see this, but I know that I've felt strongly that I need to write on this topic. The main thing that concerns me about Latter-day Saints and depression is that this one thing is so poorly understood: depression is a real, real, physical disease. The thing that makes it unique is that it is a physical disease with emotional symptoms. I feel that that point is so important that I'm going to repeat it: depression is an actual, physical illness that has emotional symptoms. And in a gospel that emphasizes a personal relationship with God that can be measured by feeling the presence of the Holy Ghost, depression can be especially devastating. The Lord speaks to us most of the time through our feelings, and a depressed mind is so biochemically mixed up that it simply isn't getting those impressions like it used to.

What so many people, including up until recently myself, have trouble realizing, is that this ought not be considered any different than any other physical illness in terms of treatment- and how the person ought to view him or herself. A person with diabetes has chemical imbalances that need to be treated and monitored if the person is going to live a normal life. A person with depression has chemical imbalances that also need to be treated, and I can't tell you how grateful I am that we live in an age when this is understood by medical professionals at least, and there are wonderful treatments available for it.

I consider myself fortunate in many respects- I'm almost healed, and as I get farther and farther from the darkest days, I can see better and better that although I wouldn't go through this year again for all the wealth of the world, as I read more and learn more and peruse the experiences of others, I've been so very, very blessed. However, like so many other members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have learned the hard way that depression has devastating symptoms.

Please, please note that I am not talking about pessimism, cynicism, mourning, or even deep sorrow that comes from hard times. I'm talking about a dark, dark, unnatural feeling that seems to sap one's ability to feel joy or even remember that there's such a thing as joy. I'm talking about nights laying with one's head buried under the pillow because the thought of living for another fifty or sixty years is terrifying. I'm talking about curling up in a ball and wondering if you've has lost your testimony completely, because you're desperately reaching out for God and you can't find Him anywhere. I'm talking about despair so deep that I have a new, significantly deepened appreciation for the Atonement- because I've felt, more than I ever had before in my life, what it was like to be separated from God, which is the definition of spiritual death, which the Atonement saves us from. For a different angle, one person I talked to described it as the feeling you might get near a demetor, from the Harry Potter series, which I think is fairly accurate.

See the difference between depression and just normal doldrums or sadness? I doubt that anyone who knows me well would call me cynical or pessimistic- but I've been depressed. What I hope you also see is that it is entirely unrelated to one's actual spiritual status, regardless of what goes on inside your head. I have entries from my journal written last winter where I poured out my frustration that I was doing the best I could, I was doing everything right, as it were, reading my scriptures, praying so long that I often fell asleep on my knees, going to the temple as though it were a life raft, and I had never felt farther from Heavenly Father.

However, the other reason, and more important reason, I think I need to write this is that as much as depression is not a sign of unworthiness or weakness, the even better news is that it is actually a highly treatable illness. As I mentioned, I feel very fortunate in my experience, and a big part of that is that within a few months, I was working with an excellent doctor who has helped me get on a track to healing, including both cognitive work through reading books, and medication. I'm also very fortunate that the first medication I was given was very effective; I know that not everyone is so fortunate. As the year continued and more challenges occurred, I decided on my own to start working with a therapist to arm myself more effectively from any kind of large relapse, and I've also been very fortunate to work with an excellent woman here in Salt Lake. In fact, she co-authored a book about depression specifically for LDS women. I would recommend it to anyone dealing with depression or dealing with someone who is depressed: "Reaching for Hope," by Betsy Chatlin and Meghan Decker.

So, here I am, with the help of so many others, climbing out of the other side of my own personal valley of the shadow of death, and I'm sure that there are many, many others, probably even some that I know, who are still wandering lost in this valley, fearing that the rest of their lives will be lived with this feeling of darkness and despair. And I'm writing this to tell you that it's not true, and it doesn't need to be so. And if you can be brave and move forward, which I know is so, so hard to do when you're depressed, you can receive good, professional help, and become the person you used to be, the person that you feel is lost, but who I assure you is still there.

I don't claim to be any kind of expert, but I can promise to be a completely nonjudgmental shoulder to cry on and to some extent at least the beginning of a road map of how to get out of the valley. I don't even have any idea who I'm writing this to or for, but if anyone happens to read this who thinks they may be going through what I've described, whoever you are, I want to help you. Send me an email, give me a call, or at the very least, read this and know that you're not alone. I promise that God is still there and He's still watching over you. And that's the truth.